Today I have the appointment which should get me my referral back to the charing cross gender identity clinic. After which I will hopefully be able to get funding for my mastectomy, which will allow me to have a much better quality of life.
However I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic as every movement hurts like hell, and I'm not even wearing my binder yet.
It's frustrating that, while still rather sedentary, I'm doing more now than I was up in stoke. I'm upright more of the time, using my core muscles more, yet my back is getting worse and worse.
My lower back might be improving, or my upper back is so painful I'm not feeling it as much. My physio has me working my core from the bottom up, so I should see improvement in my lower back first anyway, I just hope it is improving.
It's a week until I have my appointment with the rhuematologist. I'm very nervous about it. I'm really terrified that he's going to tell me that we've got it wrong and hypermobility is the wrong diagnosis, or that it's correct but there's nothing to be done. It's like having all my eggs in one basket, my hopes are pinned on this appointment. On finally having an answer for a life of problems.
I've been watching the paralympics this week, I love it. I just wish channel four was broadcasting it better. We're seeing such a limited selection of events. I'd love to have seen the boccia or the equestrian, the long jump, or even the club throw. We've seen the odd clip of all of them, so there are definitely cameras at every event. Instead we just have day after day of track, swimming, and a court event (basketball, football, tennis. etc). They have four channels of the event but only three sports get represented.
People often say they are inspired by watching the olympics and paralympics to take up a sport and try to get to the olympics themselves. There are several sports I'd love to get into, but I learnt years ago that trans people can't compete at most major sporting events. So I can't find the inspiration to apply that much dedication to a sport.
There are sports however that I enjoy in a non-competative way. I've always loved swimming just for the sensation of being in the water, I hated the focus on speed that was always placed on it. I love badminton, as just a jolly game between friends, rather than as a fast paced competition. I need to get that mastectomy before I can use a public pool again though, and fix my back before I can do racket sports.
I'd love to take up kyaking, or canoeing. I've loved the sensation of gliding over the water from the experiences of it I've had. I really hope that my body gets to the point where I can take it up. There's a local club on the canal which I could look into joining if I could reliably attend.
It's something to aim for. :)